Confidence / self assurance story part 1

So today’s post will be on something completely different that has changed for the best since the start of the year. Something that I am very happy about and have struggled a fair bit throughout my life.

I’ll cover from work to social, self image and anything that falls in between.

Now this is not some so-called vanity story on how life great is etc. I’m sharing what has been my struggles and what changes happened to become the person I am today.

This will be in 2 parts as it will take up a lot of space and reading time. This post will be work and school.

As a Cancerian, we are known to hide in our shells. As the oldest of 3 kids, there’s this overall sense of being the ‘quiet,older one’.  At the start of my working life 4 years ago, I was a fresh graduate looking for full time work, not knowing what to do and seeing as i didn’t want to head in the science field, in particular with the major I completed. So my mum suggested working in the hospital and so I looked and applied for jobs (mainly in admin though). Other areas required specific degrees in those jobs. Seeing as I had done admin work casually throughout my uni life, I could use my skills that I’ve learned into a clerical position.

The first job was a temp full time and honestly, it was great at the start but the longer I stayed there, the more I wanted to learn however my position didn’t allow that flexibility. It felt like that I wasn’t using my skills to my advantage. During that time, I was looking for permanent work closer to where I live. However staying in that position lead me to changes in my fitness training which I’ll explain later in this post. Even interviewing with positions with similar skill sets, I couldn’t even secure them. I know it’s easier said than done but it got to the point where I wasn’t even sure what I was worth anymore.

A turning point came when a newly created position came up closer to home, so interviewed and was successful. Plus it was permanent so even better. However a new department and new role meant no one knew what they were doing, and faced a lot of challenges, as the office started from scratch. 18 months later and most roles within the department are refined.. In my current position, I hid in my shell during that time because of the above mentioned. I also felt anxious, uneasiness and unsure of myself.

I showed strengths in writing which led to me putting together procedure and meeting minutes. I’m getting better with the speaking side of things, even though I had fall-backs time to time again.  I’d like to steer my career in health policy which lead to my drive in applying for a masters. Also I applied for higher level grade positions however not successful but that didn’t stop me. One recent job interview last month lead to me being on the waiting list. This was one turning point for me which led to me to come out of my shell!

No one know this but I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at a young age. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a pervasive developmental disorder where one has difficulty acting in social situations, understanding non verbal communication cues and displaying repetitive and restrictive behaviors. They love routine and one slight changes causes them distress.  Also they tend to have limited interests. In terms of speech, they can engage in one sided, trivial topics that others find boring and tedious. There’s a whole heap of Asperger’s on the net but i wont bore you with the details. Anyways, so I was considered an oddball during my younger years, and my parents enrolled me in a special class. I also got upset easily. Then I went into mainstream school (late primary and high school) with a support network. Uni life was a little different as I used extra provisions but as the years progressed, I didn’t really need it. With early intervention, one can lead a normal life. The change? When I was younger, my social life was not like the girls in high school.  As I’ve become older, free from school and uni, I don’t stress if things change, and is up for spontaneity when its right.

School life.  Transitioning from primary to high school was hard for the first year. With my Asperger’s during that stage, I’d be upset most nights in year 7 saying that high school was over whelming and as I went from Catholic to an all girl Anglican school. Surprisingly, the diagnosis of Aspies is that they lack empathy and have no emotion. Here’s an example where I do have emotion. There were friendship groups formed but honestly I wasn’t interested in joining, or at least tried. I had two friends from high school and that’s it. Same with the extra-curricular activities like sport.  I enrolled in piano and singing but gave that up before year 11 to focus on my studies. Being in an all white girl school didn’t help either. Most were from privileged wealthy families overseas and here too. Also to add damage to my self esteem, I was quite unhappy with my body too. On the upside, I did enjoy the school dances and didn’t expect to be approached by boys ;).  I was also involved with tutoring and so I got to meet new people. Sure I had crushes but didn’t turn out to be anything serious. I was approached by a few boys who were interested in me but i wasn’t interested in them. Anyways safe to say that I was happy not to have a boyfriend, and I still don’t have one to this date. FYI, I’m not interested in relationships and dating at this time. SO glad to be out of  that arrogant, outdated institution that I was in!

Part 1 done. Now time to cover uni, social life and self image in the next post.


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