Confidence / self assurance story part 2

Hello again,

O.k here’s part 2 of the story. As mentioned in the previous post, I only covered school and work due to the reading space it would take. This post will cover uni and social life.

Warning there is mature content in this post, so please don’t read ahead if you don’t like it.

So glad that I’ve finally got out of school. Now lets talk about uni. I wasn’t even upset or anything like that when I first started. Originally I wanted to just  do medical science at uni but didn’t get the marks. Mind you I was disheartened with my mark but as time went by, it doesn’t matter. So I ended up doing a double degree which then progressed to being a single degree towards the end. I was glad that I didn’t undertake a medical science degree and work in that field.  I mingled with a wide variety of people from overseas to local students and studied completely different subjects. The language part was hard enough to get high marks but was happy with a pass. Same with the science part, especially when it became too technical, and that’s where I’d struggled. Science in university was WAY different to high school Not to mention I did fail a few subjects and found this was too draining mentally. I never understood what all these biochemistry/physiology things meant. My science terminology is well and truly gone now.  During that time, i took on a safety subject which i finally understood and could get decent marks for it, and so i switched majors.

Did I go to uni parties? Nope and I don’t regret because that novelty factor dies after a while. Save that for outside uni! I had a number of acquaintances back then but they faded after a while. I was involved with a couple of extra-curricular activities from volunteering by visiting low-socioeconomic schools to raise awareness of university to running on campus tours for orientation events. I was working casually from being a tutor to admin at an educational services company to even working at uni. The great thing is that it set me up for my working life after uni.

Social life. My later uni (around 22) life saw me dating a guy who I used to know through tutoring and out of the blue asked me out, although we bumped into each other a few times during uni. Knowing that I haven’t been with anyone before I decided to see what it was like. He had the same birthday as me (from that experience, never go out with someone with the exact same sign!). It turned out that I was led-on instead of pursing a serious relationship  and that really made me numb for two weeks. During that period, I had my cousins fly in from overseas as they were on some group trip and wanted to visit us. I used that time to take my mind off him. Mind you, I went on a one-off date with my friends which I found so weird. We are still friends and we’re better off this way (not the Cancerian one though). Honestly, dating someone in a friendship group can change the dynamics of the group. I’ll tell you the case that it worked for two friends (they’re engaged now) but it hasn’t worked for two of my former ‘friends’ who dropped off our social radar because of this. That’s why I prefer to seek these types of things outside my friendship group :).

In my younger years my life was just girls from primary school and two high school girls. It mostly consisted of shopping, eating out and talking girly things and having a giggle. No guys. Since uni started, I got along with guys who I met in first year who are considered part of my social group now. During high school, I would be happy socializing with people not from my school i.e tutoring as it made me feel better and away from the awkwardness/fakeness of the school girls. I think also having Asperger’s made me not want to fit into the cliques on high school, rather have one or two friends. Also, I have that sense of humour that not a lot of the girls had. I wasn’t really interested in what they were doing anyway i.e partying, boyfriends, sex, drinking, branded stuff etc. It was all a popularity contest to me. I was being the studious kind, gamer and being my own self. I so wanted to be one of the prefects and wanted to represent a different side of their so called ‘white representation’. Maybe the group of misfits? I don’t know the name but anyways you get the idea. I did go to the year 10 formal but not the year 12 due to personal reasons and was totally over high school. My 10 year reunion is this year but seriously, who has time for that? Apparently a girl who went to the same school as me, 2 years above me who is a close friend of my cousin mentioned that girls in her year wanted to bring partners to their reunion. She didn’t go from what I heard because of that reason and plus, can you at least go a night without your partners?

Most of my friendship group is now made of mostly guys and that’s given me a confidence boost to approach them. Play Cards against humanity and you will see who as the dirtiest mind and sense of humour are the ones that are more fun to hang out. I do feel as time goes by, the uni friends are the ones you hang out the most, with the exception of one high school friend.

With my early uni days, I met these engineering girls who did a math class who lived in the college dorms and mentioned about sexual experiences. Back then I was fresh faced high school with no sexual and dating experience and when they mentioned hooking up, it was like ‘no clue’. I wasn’t confident with myself, plus never crossed my mind until I met the above mentioned in my later uni years a few paragraphs ago was my first experience with anything of sexual nature (No oral or penetrative that time). Touching and fondling was my first experience of this nature. Plus I did get to see ‘what’s down there’. It wasn’t too bad in all honesty. Hey, I’ve watched porn (late nights of course) and sex scenes in movies but never done anything in real life. This was an eye-opener to me and so far it’s been helpful in this stage of my life. I’ve been exploring, reading anything of this nature and pursuing it now that I’m older (I’m being honest here).

I’m definitely a late bloomer in terms of the mentioned above but having this new found confidence (mentally and physically) allowed me to feel liberated, relaxed and ready to try new experiences now. Being a late bloomer is your journey and pursuing things at your own pace.  I have the energy to pursue things now that people have done earlier i.e sex, dating, driving, study whatever it may be. I still haven’t progressed to my P’s yet (it will happen). I went out and kissed my first guy at 22, graduated at 24, had sex and gone back to uni in my late 20’s. I still live with my folks but don’t approach them about this stuff.  What I’ve learned is that once you’re confident in your own skin and don’t feel pressured by your friends and other people, then feel free to pursue what you want. These were my choices and am happy about it. So there’s no shame in being a late bloomer, rather it’s recommended as it gives your brain enough time to develop.

Also I’ll add that having lost a lot of weight and taking care of myself has added that extra boost of confidence. Plus my dress sense has changed a lot since my weight-loss. Gone were the cargo pants, baggy jumpers that my mum used to buy, loose fitted clothing, frills, frumpy tomboy clothing to fitted clothing from bodycon dresses, leather pants, figure hugging pants (hello jeggings and freddy wr.up pants!), coloured bottoms, shorts and even my underwear style was changing (please read all about lingerie! post on this). The weight loss story will be featured in another post.

Anyways, that’s my story of confidence/self assurance and all of this was real, honest and true from my thoughts. So if you feel that you haven’t found your ground or a late bloomer, then don’t fear as your time to shine will come. Everyone goes through different things in their life at their own pace and just as long as you are aware of what you’re doing, then you’ll be fine! I hope this helps you reading this out there 🙂

Time to sign out as it’s getting late!!

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